Finding My Authentic Voice

Wednesday, 30th April 2025 (Tue after midnight)

12:46am

Telopea my bedroom

I had an intensive Parts work session over the last few hours to try and figure out what is the cause of my loss in motivation and energy when it comes to social interactions.

It turns out that my anxiety and uncertainty around being polite and considerate and nice.

Versus my need to be authentic and express myself authentically.

If I had someone who I felt completely comfortable with to say "I don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm feeling bored. I want to talk now. I don't want to ask you about you. I want to talk about myself only.

The judgement that I was ingrained with and am scared of being seen as is: I'm so selfish, inconsiderate, impolite, rude

But the experience of having Tarryn as my therapist, where I don't have to ask her about her, and I can make it all about me and not feel all the negative emotions like guilt, regret, embarrassment, anxiety

If I want to practice relationships, and I started with Tarryn as my therapist

Then I can have a practice therapy or co-therapy relationship with someone from the Teal Swan community like Marika

I have a huge wound around politeness vs directness (rudeness)

Imagine saying "I'm not interested in this topic. I want to talk about ___ now."

Where I can be clumsy in how I word things - so that I don't have to feel CAREFUL about HOW I deliver or say something

I can just say it as though I'm autistic and don't know any better

Imagine having that one person, a lady, who doesn't believe in any etiquette or niceties or rules in this way

And she wants me to act autistic

It's the missing experience from my childhood

It's my developmental trauma where I am stuck in my progression

This is why I'm afraid of women, and feel unsafe with them, and why I don't have many female friends and don't feel like I can fit in with girl friend groups

But then I wonder: do I want the warmness and politeness etc (opposite of autistic behaviours) from other females when they interact with me?

Because that may be hypocritical of me

And if so, why?

Is it because I'm afraid of criticism and judgement, because autistic people will judge you, criticise you and express it to your face

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The next day: Wed, 30th April 2025

2:48pm

My bedroom Telopea

After reflecting upon everything I was thinking and feeling last night (above), I feel totally connected with this idea that my biggest personal development challenge right now is to become more honest and express myself authentically - and get inspiration from autistic people.

And that my path forward, and my practice will be:

1. Visualise saying things and expressing uncomfortable truths to another lady, and her being happy and grateful that I said it

2. Telling people in the Teal Swan community that this is my issue and biggest need right now, asking for help

3. Writing my truth in blog format and DMs

4. Filming videos of me answering questions by Grok, and answering as honestly and as authentically as possible, especially if it could be perceived as offensive or impolite or rude or not nice to say

Being 'unintentially offensive' and still being accepted and loved and connected and approved of

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6:58pm

What does my ideal life look like once I've mastered expressing my authentic voice?

1. I am surrounded by people who understand me completely

2. I feel zero anxiety, uncertainty, confusion about the ping pong give and take - when I am conversing with people, especially these people

3. I feel complete win-win-win when I talk to these people, even all people

Like with Tarryn - imagine that Tarryn got as much enjoyment and benefit from our conversations, from her POV : "I feel so happy when I talk to Gina"

Even though it's just me talking about myself and her asking me questions.